3.01.2010

for my memory of this day.

A busy weekend.  Yes, you could say that.  This post is to update those who don't already know, to share our story, and to keep this day reserved in my memory.  I don't ever want to forget.  Even the details.

Saturday {Feb. 13} we (Jeremy, Jennifer and Lainey) were at Brayden's soccer game.  It started at 11am.  Jeremy was coaching and Lainey and I along with many other parents were cheering and encouraging the boys.  Lainey decided that she too would like to play...she proceeded to run onto the field.  I hopped up as fast as I could to grab her, and at that moment something felt wrong.  I had no idea why my tummy would be hurting so bad all of the sudden so I blamed it on gas and went on about the game.  After the game was over we went to the mall so that Jeremy could use a gift certificate.  I told him already that we should probably keep it quick since I was feeling really bad.  We walked in and the children requested pretzel bites...so we indulged.  I tried to use the restroom with no luck.  The mall was totally packed and we made our way through the crowds to let the kids see the Chinese Lion Dance performance that the mall was hosting.  They enjoyed it and so did we.  Next, we headed into Hollister.  We all browsed around, Jeremy picked out what he wanted and the kids and I headed out to sit in those really comfortable vintage chairs that they have.  We then headed to the car.  I had to fold the back seats up in the van so that I could lay down, still feeling an incredible amount of pain.  At home, Jeremy insisted that I lay down and rest.  He and the kids would be fine.  So, I did.  I rested the entire evening in extreme pain throughout my entire abdomen with stabbing pain all over that shot up the ribs and into the neck.  No position would help the discomfort.  The kids were now in bed ... well wait ... here comes Brayden sneaking down.  I was laying on the couch, suffering.  I told him to hurry and go get Daddy.  He did.  Jeremy came down and I told him that I need to go to the emergency room.  He quickly put Brayden back to bed and told our friend Neil that we were leaving the kids there with him.
We got to Tripler Emergency Room around 9:30 that night.  From our past experiences at Tripler we have always waited at least 3 hours in the waiting room and probably another two once in the ER.  This night, they called me back for triage.  I told them my symptoms.  Horrible, terrible, unbearable abdominal pain.  On a scale of 10 they asked, I replied back with 10.  It was awful.  Stabbing pain and shocking volts that triggered up my entire body, from my neck to my toes.  This had been going on all day.  Now, though it was at its worst.  I was shaking, not from the cold of the ER but from the pain.  They asked me if I was always this pale?  I replied with a no, I did not have an ounce of color.  They told me to go wait in the waiting room until they had a bed ready.  Before I even made it to the door someone was there holding me and helping me back to the ER to a bed.  They wanted to get me to the back quickly, I am so thankful that I did not have to wait long.  They told me this room would be temporary and that they would move me to a more private room.  Okay, I thought - anywhere with a bed was fine with me.  They put an IV in immediately and asked if I needed anything. Yes...my husband.  I need him, he was in the waiting room, probably worried and feeling lost.  Someone found him and brought him to me.  I was scared.  Really scared.  It was better now, he was beside me.  The Dr. came in  and I spoke once again of my symptoms of this day.  He replied back with his textbook questions and they did blood work and took a urine sample.  Time kept passing as more and more workers flowed in and out of the room.  A nurse came in with morphine.  A big thank you to her.  It took the edge off the pain but the pain was still there.  So was the worry, oh the worry.  What was wrong?  Am I okay?  The doctor came in and told me that they would be moving me to the room next door, because it...had a door.  They were going to do a pelvic exam and wanted a private room.  The Doc began the exam and it was torturous.  Really.  His diagnosis:  Pelvic infection, of some sort?  He was not sure, they would have the results back for 72 hours.  He then performed a internal sonogram but was unable to see anything because my bladder was full.  Because of this pain and for other reasons unknown I was unable to empty my bladder. He was okay with this.  This was his diagnosis.  He was ready to send me home on antibiotics and move on to the next patient.  We were not happy with this. 
My body, my head and my heart were all shouting NO!  NO!  NO!  This is not it, I told the Dr. no.  It's something more, this is too weird and it doesn't make sense.  I was not going to accept this diagnosis.  I could NOT leave this hospital not knowing exactly what was wrong.  I pleaded with the nurse.  Asking her to do a catheter so that the doctor might see something on the ultra-sound.  She went and talked to the Dr and he gave her the okay.  She did it right away.  The doctor came in with a somewhat different look on his face.  What was he thinking, I thought.  He then speaks the words that would change everything.
Did you know you were pregnant??  Our answer...no!  We had no idea.  I had a period this month so I thought the chances of that were over.  I always had that in the back of my head...maybe wishful thinking?  At that moment a million (probably more) thoughts ran through my head.  I was so excited, happy and surprised.  I was overjoyed and I was thinking of how our lives could potentially change forever.  Its so crazy to think that as a woman and as a mother how quick we are to take ownership over our children and start making plans for there lives.  In that very moment I became a mommy of 3.  In the five minutes of letting this soak in it was bliss.  Then I had to face the opposite emotions.  The thought that something could be very, very wrong.  They gave us a few moments to sort of take it all in and the Dr. apologized for his previous diagnosis.  Things were happening quickly.  The nurse came back in and informed me that a ultrasound tech and radiologist had just come on duty and that they were ready for me upstairs.  I went in and she began with a tummy sonogram followed by an internal one.  I was sort of in and out of awareness, unable to really focus on her or the screen.  But, during the moments I did look at her she had that face.  You know, the one that says things are not good with no words at all.  I do remember asking her if she could see the baby.  She said this early along in a pregnancy it was very difficult so see.  I wondered if she was really being honest...or just saying what she could legally and all.  When she was finished someone from the ER came and got me and took me back.  Jeremy sat with me.  And we waited together to get the results.  The radiologist would have to read them and then tell the ER doc.  It took about 30 minutes before the Dr. came in with the news.
He said that the pregnancy was ectopic.  Instead of the uterus, the fetus had implanted itself in the fallopian tube and began to grow.  Then it had ruptured. He said that that my abdomen was full of blood.  That didn't sound good.  They wanted to get me into surgery immediately.  I was so scared.  They went over all the risks and tried to prepare me.  Is that even possible...preparation?  They took me back to the anesthesiologist and the next thing I knew they were done.  The doctor repeatedly told us how lucky we were and that we should be very glad that we came when we did.  He had to remove my left fallopian tube and nearly 2 liters of blood from my abdomen.  He said nearly half the blood in my entire body was there.  Whoa.  That is scary.  The recovery at the hospital was painful but I had so much pain medication that I slept through most of it.  If I was awake it was to see Jeremy and the kids, to take vitals, or to catch tidbits of the Olympics.  During my stay at the hospital my mind would only stay on how thankful I was that I was still alive.  Things could have been different, praise God for His protection.  I never let my mind open the door to the loss that I had experienced.  A major loss.  That is until I got home.  I was broken.  I didn't know how to feel...sad or thankful?  I was both, my heart was broken.  I cried and I cried some more.  I rested and I gazed into the eyes of the two miracles God blessed me with already.  Oh, how I love those sweet precious angels.  I listened to music that made me feel better and I prayed that God would heal my body and my heart.  I thought, and I thought.  It doesn't seem as if my mind ever rested.  I am not sure why God placed this hurt in my hands.  But, this was God's plan from the beginning.  There was never going to be a moment when this child had a life outside of me.  God's plan for our lives is sometimes not our plans.  But, I pray for His will over our lives and I would rather it be His way over mine.  With that said, I don't believe that God's will for my life would be for me to sweep this under the rug and pretend that it didn't happen.  I don't think that He would allow this pain if not for His glory.  I know that there are plenty of women who have gone through this before me and many who will suffer this hurt after me.  I feel so blessed to know that Jesus is holding in his arms those little ones who never were held here on this Earth.  I want others who have experienced this to know that it is okay to feel this and to grieve it.  It is a loss that many cannot understand.  Let those around you comfort you.  If you have gone through this know that I am praying for you and your healing.  I hope through reading our story someone is comforted, or maybe someone can relate.  Here is a beautiful and moving song that has held me together while I was falling apart. 

It's called Glory Baby.  By Watermark.

Glory baby you slipped away as fast as we could say baby…baby..
You were growing, what happened dear?
You disappeared on us baby…baby..
Heaven will hold you before we do
Heaven will keep you safe until we’re home with you…

Until we’re home with you…

We miss you everyday
Miss you in every way
But we know there’s a
day when we will hold you
We will hold you
You’ll kiss our tears away
When we’re home to stay
Can’t wait for the day when we will see you
We will see you

But baby let sweet Jesus hold you
‘till mom and dad can hold you…

You’ll just have heaven before we do
You’ll just have heaven before we do

Sweet little babies, it’s hard to
understand it ‘cause we’re hurting
We are hurting
But there is healing
And we know we’re stronger people through the growing

And in knowing-
That all things work together for our good
And God works His purposes just like He said He would…

Just like He said He would…

I can’t imagine heaven’s lullabies
and what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing, heaven is your home
And it’s all you’ll ever know…all you’ll ever know…

Consider it pure joy, my brother, when you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.  Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.  James 1:2-4

8 comments:

Dana Hackler said...

Oh Jenn and family I am so sorry to hear about what has happened to you. I know how you are feeling. I had a miscarrige in January. You have so many mixed emotions with this kind of experience. I am glad that you are ok. Hope your recovery is fast and may your heart heal faster.
love,
Dana

KellyR said...

I am so sorry I wasn't there for you. I had now idea. Well, I do now, and you and family are in every waking thought.

Hen Jen said...

I am so very sorry for your loss.

praying for you.

Pam, mom, honey, said...

when we lost our baby on november 5, 1998, almost six years ago someone gave
me a card with this poem and it has meant more to me that anything. so i
thought i would share it. the scripture on the front is Job 1:21 and inside
it says:
" I was thinking abut what's ahead for the baby. Can you imagine-it will be
taking its first steps on the streets of Heaven! Hannah was a mother who
certainly knows how special a little baby is. Perhaps she'll be the one who
will let it hold her finger as it takes those first staggering steps; and
maybe she will be the one to coax it into taking it first steps alone!
Perhaps Dorcas will see to it that its hems get let out, and that the
buttons are sewn on that growing child. And Joshua! Just think what it would
be like for a child to climb into his lap and hear-first hand- about the
battle of jericho!..
Maybe Petrer will take it fishing someday! It will never fall out of tree or
breaks it's leg, for there is no pain or tears there! It won;t be afraid of
the dark for there is no darkness there. The King of Kings, the Lord of
Lords, he is the very one who said, "let the little children come to me." I
expect there will be many a time when he himself will take that baby in his
lap and let it know a love that makes all other loves seem puny by contrast.
I wouldn't be surprised if the Heavenly Father keeps a few lollipops handy
for just such occasions....
And one day, you will be greeted with a " Hi Dad and Mom! I've got some of
the neatest things to show you; and some really fantastic people i can't
wait for you to meet."

The Gonzalez Family said...

I'm so sorry! You are such an inspiration for me and others! God is using you and you are using this trial to become the woman that is "mature and complete". You are partaking in Christ's suffering and His Glory will be revealed and you will have extreme joy! Love you!

1 Funky Woman said...

Hi there! I looked you up after you stopped by. I am so sorry for your loss. I always wonder why people come into other people's lives when they do. I don't have any words that can take your pain away. I know pain, my mother died suddenly and it took a part of me. There is no timeline for grief so take your time. So all I can say is that there are reasons for everything and I will talk to my mom in heaven and have her check on your little one, take care. I hope you check me out again!

Megan

Mrs Deputy said...

I am so sorry that happened to you and your family!! Ill keep you in my prayers!

Lynn said...

I hopped over from my blog after you visited. I am so sorry to read about this. I started reading and could immediately feel the pain you were going through as I was just in similar pain last week. I ended up with all the same tests but mine came back inconclusive. So while I have not experienced a loss like you I can understand the pain. Hugs sweetie.

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